Tethers

When people ask me about my job, I typically tell them that I hang out in trees all day.  Today was one of those days, meaning that I was stationed on the high ropes course for 2 classes in the afternoon.  One of the things we do during the "upload" (which is what we call the time where we give instructions) is tell the kids what they should hold onto while they are out on the course.  My particular phrase usually sounds something like this, "So while you are on the course you can hold on to these wires above you, you can hold onto your tethers, or you can hold on to nothing.  If you choose to hold onto your tethers, the higher you hold the more stable and secure you will be, if you grab on down lower, you might feel wobbly and unstable."  Now, we don't have a script, but after you give these instructions a few hundred times, the speech starts to get memorized.  So I say those same words, almost exactly, every single time.  Seriously, I sound like a robot.

Nothing was different about today on the course.  I gave the upload like usual, except this time, when I said those words, something hit me.  I'm not sure what exactly, but I do know that I stumbled over the next few lines of instructions because my brain was going on a journey.  A new adventure that those words had never brought me into before.  Today, for some reason, those words did something to me.  So much so that my mood was instantly changed and my heart was at rest, no longer feeling stretched and strained and twisted like it does so often these days.  I heard myself say those words and in a fraction of a second this is the train my thoughts traveled away upon.

I wondered how different things would be if I took my own advice, holding on as high as I possibly could.  Not to my tethers, the ropes course is something that doesn't scare me in the least, but to God.  He is what is going to put my heart at rest and He is the only stability and sanity that is going to last.  What if I held on higher and higher, letting Him be my security?  What if I stopped trying to balance myself and simply reached up high, just like He calls me to do?  So often I try to figure things out logically.  I want answers and reasons and plans and explanations that make sense.  I want to fix things and I want control.  But what if I did what I ask these kids to do every day?  What if I stepped out in faith, grasping onto those metaphorical tethers as high as I possibly could, and just let myself go?  Leaving logic and reasoning behind, what would happen?

It amazes me just how much God can teach me in everyday things.  Today He reached right into what is probably one of the most mundane and repetitive things that I do and called me to Himself.  He used words I say every single day to penetrate to my very core, dealing with the instability and chaos that has defined my emotional life recently.  The higher I hold, the more stable and secure I will be.  Such simple words, but such deeply profound truth!

Running Away

Some of you know that I am currently applying to grad schools, some of which would move me across the country.  Now, while this might have terrified me last year, I am actually really excited about the idea of going back to school and having a new adventure in a new place.  I feel like the Lord is revealing more of what I was created for and leading me on to new things.  As with any change, this will mean leaving some things behind.  Some things will be sad to leave, while others I will be more than happy to put in my past.  The other day I was talking with a friend about this very thing, mentioning that there are certain things that I can’t wait to get away from, when he asked a question that struck me:

“What are you running from?”

Initially, I assured him I was not running away, just moving on and letting go of my life as I know it right now.  But it got me thinking, am I running away?  Which got me thinking, how would I even know if I’m running away?  What’s the opposite of running away?

This is what I came up with.

I think the opposite of “running away” is “claiming your freedom”.  And I think the defining factor that makes them different is the presence of fear.

Running away is what you do when you are scared or angry, which often comes as a package deal.  It’s what you do when you are afraid of the problems and messes you’ve gotten yourself into—when you don’t think you can stand things as they are anymore.  It’s what you do when you feel hopeless and out of answers, or when you think you’ve been wronged and you feel hurt and unloved.  It’s what you do when you realize things aren’t as they should be and you don’t know how to fix them.  You do it when you feel guilty and beyond repair.  We run because it’s easier than stinking around and dealing with the reality.  We run because we are scared.

Running away doesn’t require us to face our problems and it doesn’t include any sort of reconciliation or restoration.  There is no change, no closure, and no healing.  Running away is about what you are leaving, not what you are going to.  It centers on what was, not what will be.

Very similar in appearance is the act of claiming your freedom.  While it looks the same on the outside as running away (leaving one place or job or relationship for something different), it is entirely different in almost every other way.  It’s what you do when you are being called to something new—when you want to see change happen.  It’s what you do when your life is changing and you have to change with it.  We claim our freedom when we realize we are not what we were created to be and we desire to become those people.  We claim our freedom when we see that we are still living enslaved to things that we think still own us.  We claim our freedom when we realize we are free.

Claiming your freedom changes the current state of things.  There is closure and finality on the life we had and anticipation for the life we are moving into.  Instead of fear, claiming your freedom is restful.  It moves us to a new adventure, closer to becoming the people we were created to be.  It is fulfilling and life-giving, not littered with pain and brokenness.  Claiming your freedom brings healing to the past and changes your heart.  Claiming your freedom is about what you are moving on to, not what you are leaving.  It centers on what is and will be, not what was.

Do you see the contrast?  Do you see that you are free?  Do you live in that freedom, or are you running from something?

God does not have us run from problems, He has us face them and deal with them.  He did not run from the cross, He finished the job.  Moses ran from Egypt in fear, but God had him go back to free his people, and then leave again—but this time he left in freedom, not in fear.  Jacob returns home to meet Esau, returning to the land he was meant for.  None of these were the easy way out.  All of them involve struggling through hard situations to get to the point where people could be free and fulfill the lives they were meant for.  And all of those people had to have a great deal of faith and trust in the Lord.  They had to follow His leading.

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”  [2 Corinthians 3:17]

That’s the other part of this, I am realizing that freedom requires following the Spirit completely.  Without that, we are trying to control things.  Without that, we are running scared in our own self-centered world.  But the Lord leads His people into freedom.  He does not settle for the easy way out, avoiding the harder situations and problems, but instead leads His people through the dessert—for 40 years—to freedom.  He doesn’t say it will be easy and He doesn’t say it will always be happy, but he leads us to freedom.  And I am learning over and over again that true freedom is infinitely better than any temporary comfort you could attempt grasp for yourself.

“For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”  [Romans 8:2]

So I haven’t decided yet if I am running away or taking hold of my freedom, maybe right now it’s a little bit of both.  Either way, God is gracious.  He will lead me into the freedom He bought for me whether I understand the road I am on or not.  He is not going to let me run scared while I refuse to deal with things that need to be dealt with.  And He will free me from those things and lead me on into His goodness and love.  This is the God I serve—a God of freedom and relentless love.  I have already been set free, all I have to do is claim it for myself and leave the fear behind.  You are already free, my friends, claim your freedom.

Group Work

When I was in school there was one statement I dreaded hearing my teachers say: “This assignment will be done in groups.”

Oh. No. I would rather sit outside in freezing rain eating dirt with a plastic spork while chickens pecked at my eyeballs than do a project in groups. Oh the suffering I was going to have to endure! Why in the WORLD did they think this could possibly be a good idea!?

Now, I realize a lot of people liked group work. Ideally, it meant less work for each individual person. Notice I said “ideally”. When I heard the words “group work” I was far from optimistic. Group work inevitably meant that either I would have to do everything myself, leaving me tired and frustrated, or another group member was going to decide their ideas were better and take over completely, leaving me in the dust. I didn’t like being frustrated and dust is gross. So, naturally, neither sounded like a good option to me. You see, I was under the impression (and I don’t believe I am alone in this) that I was the one that had to have the good ideas. When I had good ideas, I assumed that my plans were best and I was going to fight for them or refuse to take any ownership of the project at all. When I didn’t have good ideas, I felt like a failure and a disappointment. Becoming a part of another person’s good idea and working hard for it didn’t even seem like an option. Group work meant either having full control or being completely useless, and I hated both.

Bear with me and switch gears for a second. Currently I am reading a book called 66 Love Letters by Dr. Larry Crabb. Essentially, the book is comprised of 66 chapters that coincide with each book of the Bible and talk about each as a love letter from God to man. He writes the book like a dialogue between himself and God; asking questions and writing the answers he feels God is speaking to him, fitting each book into the bigger picture of God's plan for us and the world. Also, when I say I am reading this book, what I mean is that I am reading it in conjunction with reading the Bible from cover to cover, so I am reading it very slowly. So slowly I am pretty sure I just got lapped by a snail eating molasses. However, I am excited to read it like this, even if it takes months to finish. I am telling you all this because I just finished reading Genesis and Dr. Crabb’s first chapter of his book (I wasn’t kidding about being a slow reader…) and he said something that sparked all of this jumble going on in my brain. In a section written from God’s perspective, Crabb writes, “Once again, things were a mess. Everyone was living to succeed , to make their lives comfortable and fulfilling. No one was paying attention to My design for the truly good life.”

After reading this line I immediately thought about all the times I’d felt like that before—no one paying attention to my (what I assumed were) good ideas. This was instantly humbling. Who am I to think I have all the good ideas in the world? Why should anyone listen to me? And I most definitely fit into that group of people that ignore His plans so often, so who am I to complain about not being heard? If I were to count the times I have lived trying to succeed, making my life comfortable, and ignored God’s design for life I am fairly certain I’d be appalled. As it is right now I am pretty humbled by this thought. You see, now that I think about it, it makes sense that I dreaded group work; that I neither wanted to have full control, nor wanted to be useless—I wasn’t created for either.

Looking back, I think I missed a crucial lesson that group work was supposed to teach me—everyone fills different roles. There should be a leader that steps up to take charge. There should be people willing to work to accomplish the goal of the group even when the ideas are not their own. And, ideally, the goals of the group (no matter whose initial idea) should eventually be adopted by each member as their own goals. We have been raised in a culture that tells us to fight for ourselves and be independent, but we forget that we are a part of a larger group. We forget the bigger picture. We believe the lie that we either need to succeed at being the leader or have no part in it at all.

But here’s the thing I am realizing, I was not meant to be the leader, nor was I meant to be a useless piece of baggage attached to the back of the train. As a product of this culture I have been told to do whatever makes me happy. As a Christian, I see that it’s not really about me at all. And that is so relieving. I was made to obediently follow a Leader and to adopt His plans as my own, with passion. I am a small part of the body of Christ and He is our leader.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” [Hebrews 12:1]

His love fills us with passion (we run with perseverance) and the desire to see His will come to fruition. By His grace, we get to fight for His Kingdom in this world. We were not made to be God, nor were we made to be useless. We are not meant to be in control (the race is marked out for us), but we were made with purpose. We are humble servants made out of abundant love that get to be a part of His larger story. This is what “group work” means for a Christian. This is the power of Christ—that we can fight fiercely for the goals and plans of another, for the glory of our King.

“In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” [Ephesians 1:11-12]

Beauty from Unlikely Circumstances

“But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.’” [Luke 2:10-11]

Merry Christmas all! Today is a day of joy and celebration! It’s essentially day one of God’s rescue mission to save His people from darkness! Do you see it like that? Do you see that you are so helpless without Him that His coming to earth is worth celebrating like this? Do we see that there is a reason to be full of joy, full of hope, and full of peace? I know I often forget all of this. But it’s incredible! Think about it, we were all walking to our death and all of a sudden God comes down to earth to save us, to pull us out of darkness. How relieving is that! He is finally here and this day is a day to remember that we were once lost, and now we have been found. We were once broken, and now we are made whole. We were once dead, and now we are alive! No wonder we go all out at Christmastime to celebrate and be merry, we have so much to be merry about! But what is so incredible to me is how God chooses to do His work…

This is not just a nice story about a baby and a star and some shepherds and livestock. This is not just a story to make you feel good inside. This is not just a story to tell around the Christmas tree while sipping hot chocolate. In fact, this is not just a story at all. This is history. This is our God. And this is just as relevant today as it was on that night when Christ was born. This is truth. This is our beautiful reality.

^“Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross!” [Philippians 2:6-8]

God chooses to leave His throne and come to earth as a human, to humble himself to the level of a man, to come save us. Save us from what exactly? From ourselves, and from the evil one. As a shepherd protects his sheep from attacks with his rod and from themselves with his staff, so did God come down to protect us from the evil one and from ourselves. David said, “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” [Psalm 23:4] He came to save us from death, for He is our shepherd. He is a God of love and life. And He is a God of justice, so He came to save us in love and truth. But He came as a baby—the most helpless and vulnerable form. And He came out of a scandalous situation since His parents were not yet married. His parents would have faced a lot of opposition because of their circumstances. This amazes me, why in the world would God choose to enter the world like this? He can do whatever he wants right? Right. So he chose to make something beautiful out of something unlikely. He was born in a humble manger, out of a scandalous circumstance. The God of the universe came into the world in an unlikely way and changed the world forever. Later in life He would save the world as the product of another unlikely circumstance. Death—something very obviously negative—He turns into the most joyful and beautiful event to ever occur because it saved us.

“O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

-O Holy Night

My God likes to take unlikely circumstances and make them beautiful. Things that no one would ever expect to produce anything good. Nathanael said to Philip, “Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” [John 1:46] What better way to show the world how glorious and powerful He is? It makes sense for good things to come of good circumstances, but good things from bad circumstances? That’s when people pay attention. That’s when people are changed forever.

“But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt…

And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man”

-David Crowder Band, “Wholly Yours”

(In fact, just go listen to the whole song; it says what I am trying to say better than I can. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jrj0PriR9Bs)

Everyone loves a good story about someone beating the odds and making something of themselves when the whole world is against them. There is power in doing the unthinkable, the unlikely, and the seemingly impossible. This is our God. He makes beauty out of pain. Love out of hate. Peace out of chaos. He really is that good. He made humans out of dust. He restored the world through a flood. He saved the Hebrew people from Egypt through Moses, a Hebrew that grew up in the pharaoh’s household after his mother sent him down the river to save him from death. David, frequently called “a man after God’s own heart”, was also an adulterer and murderer from whose line Jesus would eventually be born. He came into the world as a baby and died a brutal death in the greatest act of love ever known to save His people. Then He spread His gospel through Paul, arguably the most influential man in the early church, who used to be a persecutor of Christians. The list goes on and on.

It doesn’t end there. God still chooses unlikely people to do His work and show His glory to the world. He makes beautiful things out of brokenness, pain, and suffering. Our bad circumstances only grow us closer to Him and strengthen us. The things that hurt us and tempt us make us more aware of how tightly God’s grip on us really is. In Christ, we both die to ourselves and gain incredible life in Him. We see the depth of our sin more and more, but we gain an even greater understanding of how deeply we are loved. He makes good things out of unlikely circumstances. We are a part of a story much bigger than ourselves and it is being written perfectly and beautifully. God is pretty brilliant, I mean, we cannot understand how good God is without also seeing how bad things are. To see Him for who He is, we must have something to compare it to. We cannot understand how deeply His love is without knowing how unworthy we are. We cannot understand His power without hitting rock bottom and being completely powerless. We cannot understand His goodness without seeing how disgusting and vile we, as humans, truly are at our core. We cannot understand how incredible it is that He has rescued us until we see how badly we need to be rescued.

But these bad things only increase our joy on this day. How much more excited we are about the coming of the savior when we know how badly we need to be saved! How much more we want to celebrate! Who says my God is boring!? No way. He is incredible and glorious and powerful and beautiful and bold and creative. He takes unlikely, hopeless circumstances and surprises us by bringing us goodness and peace and love and joy through them. Today is not just a day to make us feel good, it is a day to remember how the world has been changed. A day to remember the reality that we live in—that we are so broken and helpless and He has come to save us with love and power. A day for worship of our King who came to bring hope in a world of darkness—to bring life to the dead. How incredible is our God!?

Merry Christmas my dear friends! May you see how radical His love really is and may He make beautiful things from your unlikely circumstances. Know that He loves you on this Christmas day, and all others, for He came down for you, to save you from the darkness and bring you life and great joy!

“All around, Hope is springing up from this old ground, Out of chaos life is being found in You, You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of the dust”

-Gungor, “Beautiful Things”

Still True

Somehow, after we have been Christians for some time, we start to forget that the gospel is still true. We would never say it, or claim that it wasn’t true, but we fall into a rut of believing that, since we are supposed to be mature in our faith now, grace has somehow run out. We think that after the newness wears off, we must be better, do better, think better, and perform better. We must no longer be the flawed human that came to Jesus originally for His grace, comfort, and love. If we have not yet been transformed, we must be doing something wrong. We believe, in essence, that being a Christian is supposed to make you perfect in this life. This is where we are wrong.

The Church is just as much a bunch of messy, sinful, wicked people as the rest of the world. We are humans and humans are flawed. Being a Christian does not change our sinful nature. No matter how long we live as Christians, we will always be sinful wicked people. We cannot change this. Jesus can, and does, but nowhere does God promise that we will be perfected in this life. Even Paul stated that he had not yet gotten it all together. He didn’t claim to be perfect at all. In fact, he claims just the opposite:

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” [Philippians 3:12]

“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.” [Romans 7:21-23]

Somewhere along the road we fall into the pit of thinking that we are supposed to be perfect now that we are Christians. But here’s the thing, the gospel is just as true for us now as it was when we first came to Jesus, or rather, when He first came to us. He came to save those who need a savior, and the more we realize that we still need a savior every single day of our lives, the more we will see that this truly is good news. His grace is not a one-time gift, His mercies are new every single day—and I am learning that this is a beautiful truth in which we can have hope and rest. Like manna from heaven, we receive grace again every day, and we need it every day.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” [Lamentations 3:22-23]

As Christians, we are called to live differently, but nowhere does it say that when we fail, we are somehow disqualified from His grace again. Our hearts are being transformed, and that inevitably changes our actions, but when we “become Christians” we are not instantly made perfect. We are made new. We find new life and new hope and new peace and rest and joy and love in Christ. We finally are able to see that we are hopeless without Him, which makes His love so incredible, so beautiful, and so relieving. We are finally able to rest knowing that the God of the universe loves us in the midst of our brokenness. But we are still broken, that has not changed. We still need Him.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” [2 Corinthians 5:17]

Being a Christian is about realizing your absolute sinfulness that can’t be cured by human hands. It’s about grasping the reality of our need to be saved. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t need Jesus. Being a Christian means that we are His. It means that we see that we are hopeless without Him and desperately in need of His redeeming love. This kind of love changes us. It transforms us. Eventually the transformation will be complete, we will be perfected, but we have no reason to believe that occurs in this life, in this fallen state. We still live as fallen humans—redeemed, but still imperfect.

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 1:6]

Do you see the difference? Do you see that it is never about how good you are for Him, but instead about how good He is? This doesn’t change as we mature as Christians. The gospel is still true for us today. We are wicked sinful people being continually saved by a loving God who loves us too much to let us go. And we need Him every single day as we live in the reality of our imperfection.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” [Romans 5:8]

You have me.

Recently, I have been listening to a band called Gungor. They are amazing, if you haven’t heard of them look them up right now. One song in particular that has basically been playing on repeat in my car is called “You Have Me”. As I’ve been listening to this song, I’ve been thinking of it as a declaration of a man giving his heart to God—as a statement of surrender. “Hey God, here is my heart again, it’s still yours, you still have me.” A rededication of sorts—as if we needed to reassure God that we are still choosing Him. How selfish am I? Do I really think God is up there wondering, waiting, and worrying?

No. By God’s grace, this song just hit me in a radically new way. After hearing it over and over it finally hit me—these aren’t arrogant words of reassurance to God, they are worship. It’s a statement about who God is. What He does. How He loves. He has us. We don’t need to reassure God that we are His, we need to tell ourselves that we are His, every single day. Or we will forget. He knows He has me, He always has known He has me. He made me for goodness sake, why do I think I could be anything but His?

My life is divinely arranged and I need to constantly remind myself of this truth and live in it. Yes, he loves me, He longs for me to choose Him every time, but He isn’t like a needy friend, and I should not be so arrogant to think I am somehow doing Him a favor by gracing Him with my presence, by allowing Him to have me—as if I held the authority in the relationship. He has me whether I like it or not, even though I fight back, resist, and rebel out of selfishness and unbelief. Even though I am unworthy, He has me. I should be in awe of Him, amazed that He would choose me, and falling at His feet in the knowledge that I am so unworthy. It’s not about me at all, it’s entirely about Him. He has me!

How comforting is that? Even when I fail, turn away, seek other things to fill my life, and essentially sell myself out to things I think will satisfy me, He has me. If He has me then I don’t need to worry, I don’t need to stress, I don’t need to control, I don’t need to panic. Fear and worry means I don’t trust His heart for me, but He has me!

“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” [Psalm 139:16]

If He has me, it’s just about being His. It’s about knowing whose I am, and telling myself over and over and over and over because apparently I am forgetful. His power is perfect. His love is perfect. He has me. By His infinite grace, by His infinite mercy, for reasons I will likely never fully understand, He has me. He has my heart completely. That’s worth writing a song about. I have no idea what compelled Gungor to write it, or even what they intended to convey, but I’m glad this song exists. And I’m glad God broke through my selfish heart and let me know what it was really about.

You Have Me—Gungor

Out on the farthest edge
There in the silence
You were there
My faith was torn to shreds
Heart in the balance
But You were there

Always faithful
Always good
You still have me
You still have my heart

I thought I had seen the end
Everything broken
But You were there
I’ve wandered in Heaven’s gates
I’ve made my bed in Hell
You were there still

You have me, You have me
You have my heart completely

Is my home in Kansas, or in Oz?

Dorothy said it herself, “There’s no place like home”. While I understand the idea behind that—that nothing feels quite as comforting as being home—I think she used the wrong words. You see, home is not about a place. Home is about where your heart is being pulled. If you recall, at the end of the movie The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy has a hard time saying goodbye to her new friends. I don’t know that I would have been surprised if she had made a last minute decision to stay in Oz, abandoning her goal of returning to Kansas. She had made bonds with her new group of misfit friends. She loved them. And it was that love that tied her to them; it was that love that made them a home. Maybe that famous line should have read, “There’s no feeling like home”.

Right now I am a bit of a nomad. When people ask me where I am from I never know quite how to answer. I grew up in one place, but then my dad lives in another. Then I went to school somewhere else. Now I live in a new place that’s not really all that new. I find myself using phrases like “I’m heading home to my mom’s” or “I am going home to my dad’s” or “I have to get back to my home in PA”. I have to clarify where I am going when I say the word home because it could mean so many different things. All of these places were home at one point, and most of them are still home, but not because of the locations. The other day I was back in Newark with a friend and I said, “It’s strange to be back in Newark because I think it should feel like being back home since it was my home for four years, but it doesn’t feel like that at all”. After I thought about that for a while, I realized it was because almost all of the people that had made Delaware feel like home aren’t there anymore. It was never about being at UD, it was always about the people that were at UD with me.

So what is home? You have a home with the people in your life that you love. It doesn’t matter where you are, but who you are with and the love that is between you. I am going to tell you a little bit about all of my different homes. And when I say a little, I mean I am about to tell you a TON.

My mom will always be a home for me. We’re a team, her and I. For so many years it was just us, walking through life together. Her being the wonderful, patient, graceful woman that she is and me being the goofy awkward kid that eventually became a moody teenager and somehow turned into the less awkward, less goofy, less moody person I am today. She let me rant for hours about my bad days while she quietly cooked dinner and put up with my constant failure to do any chores. She laughs with me and cries with me and when I call her just to say hi and we talk for all of 10 seconds, it’s never weird. Our house is not really my home anymore, but she is.

Then there’s my dad. My dad has never hung up the phone without telling me that he’ll always love me no matter what (except that one time, but then he called back just to say it). I remember nights where we would sit in front of the tiny tv eating soup and watching star wars. Then we would play basketball in with a nerf ball that definitely wasn’t a real basketball and a laundry basket on a pole that definitely wasn’t a real basketball hoop. None of the places he has ever lived has been home, but he has always been home. It was never about the place, but being with him is always like being home.

With my dad comes my step-family. Now I know what you are thinking. You have this image of a Cinderella-type arrangement. Dad, step-mom, 2 step-sisters, and then me living in the basement or something. Now, while I do have a step-mom and 2 step-sisters, and I did live in a basement at one point, the parallel to Cinderella stops there. I am blessed to have my step-mom and step-sisters and I am fully confident that wherever we end up in life, no matter what, I will always have a home with each of them. They are beautiful, passionate, creative, unique women that love life and live it to the full. I have laughed and cried with Becca and spent many nights hiding under blankets watching scary movies until we are both too freaked out to walk back up the stairs to our rooms (I wonder if she knows she is literally the only person that is capable of convincing me to watch scary movies). We are extremely different people and we can still end up rolling on the floor in laughter over meaningless silly things. On the other hand, Ellie and I so similar it’s scary. I don’t know if she’s ever noticed that, but it seriously freaks me out sometimes. We both love to laugh. We share a love of books and good food. We ask a lot of questions, so much so that sometimes it makes my dad and step-mom crazy. We don’t take ourselves too seriously and we laugh away our mistakes. We are goofy and silly and when I am with her I typically feel like I am 5 years old again. Then there is Joanne, the woman I am privileged to call my step-mom and friend. She has more joy and passion for life than anyone I have ever met. She is a miracle worker in the kitchen and has made some of the best food my mouth has ever tasted. She does everything with her entire heart and she loves me as if I was her own daughter. Every other Friday night, when I would visit my dad, I would get to the house and sit at the kitchen table while she put the finishing touches on dinner and we would talk. Sometimes it would be meaningless conversation and sometimes it would be a little deeper, but I looked forward to getting to the house just for those times (and for her mashed potatoes). We have grown to be good friends over these years and I treasure the times that we share meals or coffee or just a simple conversation across the counter in our kitchen. These three dynamic women give me a home because I truly love them and they truly love me.

Then there is the small group of friends that know me deeper than anyone else in this world. Naming them each and telling you how wonderful they are would take forever, so I’ll tell you about them collectively. Some of them are old friends, some are newer. They know me so deeply that I can’t hide anything from them. They know when I am lying about being fine and they aren’t afraid to call me out on it. They know my deepest struggles and failures and I have never felt more loved by them than in those moments of vulnerability where they loved me and cried with me and told me I wasn’t alone. I consistently let them down and they consistently love me. We’ve laughed together, cried together, been through heartbreaks and major life decisions, been sad together and been happy together. They are colorful and goofy and fun and beautiful. Our hearts have been bound together in deep friendship and each one of them shows me more and more of Christ the longer we live out this journey together. They are home.

Then there is my life where it is now. While all of these other people I am telling you about are still in my life, I don’t see any of them consistently anymore. They are still very much a part of my life, but I live away from them, in a house that isn’t mine with a family that isn’t mine in a town that isn’t mine. But somehow, though none of it is mine, it’s still home. I live with a family that shows me Christ every single day. They love me and care for me as if I really were a part of their family. I experience what it means to be a part of the body of Christ through this family. At a time where a lot of people tend to feel alone (twenty-somethings just out of college with a part time job in a new place with no friends), I am not alone. I am constantly surrounded by six incredible people that have embraced me as their own. It feels like home, not because of the place, but because they love me.

Along with this family, my life also consists of my current job. My job is unique in that the people that I work with are so wonderful. I am excited to go to work in the mornings because I enjoy being around the people that I work with. They are fun and enthusiastic and so willing to share their lives. There is a joy that I have at work that I love and as cheesy as it is, it kind of feels like a home there too.

Then there is younglife. Talk to any younglife leader and they will tell you how small of a world younglife can be. They are right. Everyone knows everyone and while it may seems like just a lot of acquaintances to the outside person, younglife people have a way of getting really deep really fast. So, we actually know each other really well and truly love each other. My fellow leaders that I interact with regularly are some of the best friends I have ever had. They give of themselves in ways that stretch them and challenge them. They are encouraging and full of life. They share their struggles and their joys and fight to make Christ known. It really is a big family, as cheesy as that sounds, and it’s kind of like being home when I am with them.

If you actually made it this far I am impressed. I just spent a ridiculous amount of time talking about myself. But I needed to make this point. Home is where we fit, where we experience the kind of love that only true family can provide. They are the people that know me. They know my joys and my longings and my faults and my mistakes. They know all of this and still love me, which is completely insane and completely incredible. But here’s the thing, none of this is based on a location. It doesn’t matter where we are, when I am with these beautiful people, I always feel like I am home. Home is not a house or a town or a school. Home is where you heart is being pulled. For me, it is with all of these people that make my life so full, because my heart is with them.

A home is somewhere that you can branch out from on your own and still be connected to. It’s a place you can leave physically, but not really and truly leave behind. Home is the place you can always return to and it seems like something has really changed, no matter how much distance and time has been between you. I have a lot of really excellent homes. Many, if not all, of them are messy and rough around the edges and come with baggage, but they are beautiful not only in spite of that, but because of that. Their joys are my joys and their struggles are my struggles and the other way around. So, it’s not really about where we are, but where our hearts are.

That said, it’s kind of encouraging that I don’t really feel like I have a place to call home. The more in love I fall with God, the less comfortable this world should feel. This world isn’t my home, it’s simply where I reside. One day, I think this all will change. There will actually be a place to call home, a place I belong, a place I was made for. But for now, on this earth, my home is with the people I love that love me, and I am incredibly blessed to have them.