Learning Humility

I've had to apologize for so many things the past few weeks.  So many things.  To myself, to others, and to the Lord.  What have I learned?  

1. I'm not perfect.  

And I never will be in this life.  I am being humbled by my sinfulness when it shows itself loud and clear.  Life will always be a battle of my sinful flesh against what is right.  The hope is in the fact that the battle has been won, and eventually, all things will be perfected as they were meant to be.

“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”  [Romans 7:21-23]

2. Other people matter more than my pride.  

If I have to become less so that others they know they matter, then that's what I'll do.  Problem is, it's really hard to admit you were wrong to people, especially when they've hurt you or you don't think they'll understand.  But humility is about putting those worries aside and doing what's right, no matter how it's received.  If I really love them and want them to know it, then I will have to come before them with humility, asking for forgiveness.

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,

    taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself

    and became obedient to death —

        even death on a cross!”  [Philippians 2:5-8]

3. The Lord deserves better than what I give Him.

Christ died once for all.  His love covers a multitude of sins.  He loves unconditionally, without ceasing, no matter how He is received.  He gets rejected every day.  I fail Him constantly and He loves me consistently.  He deserves a life lived to glorify Him, a life of humility and sacrifice.  So I have to come before Him, as a sinner, asking for His forgiveness.  It’s different with Him than with other people though.  With Him, I know He’ll forgive me and take me back, so there’s no worry in it.  It’s a freeing thing, to be able to come before the Lord in the midst of your imperfection, knowing He’s still going to love you the same.

You see, His love isn't based on us, it's based on Him.  So if I'm to love like Christ, then I guess I have to be humbled, putting others before myself no matter how they receive it.  I have to let people know they matter, even though I fail constantly at loving them well in the first place.  I have to care about them, even if they don't seem to care about me.  And this is incredibly difficult, and completely impossible, without relying on the love of Christ to fill me up.

So I'm sorry dear friends, for all of the ways I fail you.  I'm sorry for all the ways I don't love you.  I'm sorry for all the times I put myself before you and neglect you.  I'm sorry for all the ways I misrepresent Christ to you.  Please know that you matter.  Know that you are loved dearly.  Know that I care about you even when I fail miserably at showing it.  But ultimately, know that you are loved by the King, and no amount of love that people give you-or don't give you-can ever affect that.  It's because of Him that I am being changed.  It's because of Him that I want to care for the people in my life.  It's because of Him that I even have a chance at loving anyone.  Ever.

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners —of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.”  [1 Timothy 1:15-16]

Paul said he was the worst of sinners.  I think he was wrong.  Because I'm pretty sure it's me.  Thank goodness Christ took care of that for Paul and I.  And for you too.  Because without Him, I'd have no hope at all for my life.  Without Christ, I'd be stuck in the horribleness of my sinful self instead of being changed and refined to look more like Him.  Without Christ, I wouldn't be able to come to you asking for forgiveness, confident that whether you give it or not, I will still be loved by the Lord.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”  [Romans 8:1-2]

Long story short, I'm a sinner and I need a savior.  Every day.  Every single day.

World Race blog

Hey friends.  I've been posting a few of my blogs from my world race blog here as well, but I don't really feel like posting in two places all the time.  So in case you missed the memo, you can find me here now:

http://pattyreed.theworldrace.org/

Please please please feel free to comment and subscribe for updates and follow this journey with me!  Love you all!

Chosen

I hate making decisions.  I am always so nervous I am going to choose the wrong thing that I would rather just let other people decide for me.  I’m not even talking big decisions; I’m actually pretty level-headed with big decisions (with the exception of deciding to go on the World Race, but that’s a story for another day…).  The decisions I am talking about right now are the tiny insignificant ones.  What do I want for dinner?  What movie do I want to watch?  What music do I want to listen to in the car?  What cereal should I buy?

I know it’s absurd how hard these meaningless decisions are for me to make, but let me tell you why I struggle with them so much.  I don’t want to be disappointed with my choices.  I want to enjoy my morning cereal, thank you very much, and I can’t do that if I pick the wrong one.  So I debate and analyze and compare and go over pros and cons in my head until I finally land on a decision.  And you know what?  I usually enjoy my cereal.

This all sounds silly, but in all honestly, it means a great deal to be chosen.  Why do you think so many kids cry when they are picked last in gym class?  Obviously, my cereal choice doesn’t really matter that much, but knowing that I, a ridiculous messy human, have been chosen by the King of the universe matters a great deal.  It changes everything about who I am and what I’m about.

“For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight.  In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will—to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.”  [Ephesians 1:4-6]

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be chosen.  I think being chosen means to be carefully picked out for some purpose.  Being chosen means you are wanted and desired, pleasing and acceptable to the one doing the choosing.  There is a great deal of love and security behind knowing that you have been chosen.  It means you’ve been seen as good enough to satisfy the purpose in which you were chosen for.  It means you are valued and seen as worthy.  So, to be chosen by the God that made the earth and stars and galaxies carries an incredible amount of weight.  I am wanted, desired, chosen by the King.  I have been chosen to be saved [2 Thessalonians 2:13], to receive an inheritance [Psalm 33:12], and to be adopted into His kingdom [Ephesians 1:5].  That’s an incredible identity right there.

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.”  [1 Peter 2:9]

Here’s the thing, along with being chosen comes a great deal of expectations.  I was chosen for a purpose.  I was chosen to bear lasting fruit [John 15:16], to be holy and blameless [Ephesians 1:4], to not belong to the world [John 15:19], and to be conformed to the likeness of Christ [Romans 8:29].  Hold up.  I don’t think I am the one He wants for all that.  I mean, I was never the one to be picked first in gym class, is he sure He knows what He’s doing?  Those are some lofty expectations for a puny little human like me. 

But I have been chosen.  It’s funny that the very thing that ascribes us a great deal of responsibility is also the thing that gives us the strength to rise to the occasion.  Being chosen calls me to be more, to rise up and meet the bar set for me, and it is knowing that I am chosen that gives me the faith and boldness to even reach for that bar—to run the race set out for me.  I serve a God that doesn’t make wrong decisions.  So if He chose me, He must know what He’s doing.  He must know that I’m not worthless.  He must know that I matter.  He must know there is more to me than I think there is.  He must know way more about me than I do if He is choosing me to be on His team.  And even beyond that, He must really love me if He’s willing to love me when I fail at all of those responsibilities.  And I will fail, because I am human and I am broken.  But I am loved by the Creator.  I am chosen despite my imperfection, for an incredible purpose.  I am adopted into His royal family and I get all the perks and all the expectations that come with it.  It won’t be easy, but I’ll take it.

So hello, nice to meet you, my name is Patty, and I am a daughter of the King.

Also, I thought of this after I wrote this, silly, but extremely applicable :)

The reason I'm worrying, and the reason I'm going to stop

Confession: I obsess over endings.  When I read a book or watch a movie I have a hard time enjoying it because I am too busy wondering how it’s going to end.  The anticipation kills me.  I hate the surprise; I wish I could just know how it’s going to turn out so I can stop stressing about it.  Who cares what’s happening in the middle, I want to know how it’s going to end.  The problem, however, is that when it’s over, I am always left a little disappointed.  Not at the ending.  In fact, I usually enjoy the way things end and I am typically relieved at how things turned out.  No, what I am disappointed in is the fact that the story is over.  Done.  No more adventure, no more emotion, no more intrigue.  It’s finished and I’m a little bummed because I was too worried about the ending to enjoy the whole story while I was in the thick of it.

Confession part 2: Every time I do anything that has to do with the World Race I get a little nervous.  And by “a little nervous” I really mean that I have a mini panic attack.  Every time I start thinking about it, I quickly try to distract myself from the reality of what these 11 months will mean for me.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited, but I am without a doubt incredibly nervous as well.  And I am realizing that my worries about how things are going to turn out might cause me to miss the adventure.  But here’s the bottom line: I absolutely do not want to miss this adventure.

Tonight I sat in a WyldLife club of 300 middle school kids and listened to the camp speaker tell them about the cross.  He told them the best news they will ever hear in the entire lives—that Jesus finished the story.  He told them that Christ died for them so that they might know that they are loved, wanted, thought of, and known.  He told them that they don’t have to worry anymore because the God that loves them and knows them simply wants to be with them.  I don’t know if they realize the major spoiler they heard tonight, but they just got hit with the entire ending.  It is finished.  On the cross, Christ made it known how the Author always intended things to end—reconciled and redeemed.

You see, it’s ridiculous to worry about the end of the story because there is nothing anyone can do to change it.  The princess is going to get rescued if the author wants her too.  The war will be won by whichever side the author desires.  The journey will take as long as the author thinks is necessary.  There is nothing the characters can do about it.  They didn’t write the story.  And neither did I.

“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  [Psalm 139:16]

What matters is that my story has been written by the author of the world.  He knows the ending to this story.  Shouldn’t that be good enough?  Do I really need to know the ending if the ending has been written by the loving creator of the universe?  Do I really want to miss what’s right in front of me because I can’t handle not knowing how things will turn out?  Am I that faithless that I can’t trust that the Lord has things under control?

No.  I am going to start resting in all the truth that I’ll want to be bringing to people over my 11 months on the World Race.  I am going to try to live out all the things I want to be preaching.  I want people I encounter on the Race to hear the news that we are free, we are loved, we are not alone, we are provided for, and that there is nothing, and I mean nothing, to fear.  And I want them to hear that all this is true because it is finished.  So I’m going to start living as if that’s true, because it is.

So I am putting on my big girl pants and calling it quits on the worrying, because things will turn out exactly as the Author intends, and I have decided that I really don’t need to know any more than that.

http://pattyreed.theworldrace.org/

Runners Take Your Marks

Here it is friends, time to make my official announcement:

I’m going on the World Race.

11 countries.  11 months.  1 mission.

Some of you have been a part of this process from the beginning.  Some of you got the news after I’d made my decision.  Others are hearing this for the first time.  Regardless, it’s time to rally up all the support I can muster and begin seriously preparing for these 11 months that will likely change me in every way possible.

Let me begin by explaining myself.

What?  The World Race is an 11 month mission trip to 11 different countries spanning the globe.  I’ll be doing all sorts of mission work from manual labor and feeding hungry people to playing with orphans and doing evangelism.  I’ll be living the gospel.  I’ll be going to rough places that I probably won’t want to be in and pouring love out to people I would normally never interact with.  I’ll be getting on their level, feeling their pain, seeing their lives, getting to know their hearts, and hopefully leaving them with a glimpse of Christ.  Basically, God will be using me to do crazy things in rough places with people that need to be loved.

Where?  I’ll be a part of January route 2, which will include these countries:

Ecuador

Peru

Bolivia

Romania

Ukraine

South Africa

Swaziland

Mozambique

Thailand

Malaysia

Cambodia

The exact places I will be in those countries isn’t determined yet, and I might not even know until I get there, but the Lord will lead us to the places he wants to reach, and that’s pretty exciting.

If you’re interested, here’s the specifics:

http://www.theworldrace.org/?tab=routes&subtab=january-2013-2

When?  I’ll be gone from January 2013 through November 2013.  No, I can’t have visitors.  No, I can’t come back and visit you.

How?  I’ll be raising my support starting now until I leave, and probably while I am out in the field as well.  This is the part that makes me anxious right now, but the Lord will provide the means for this if it is what I am called to do.  And I believe—potentially with more certainty and confidence than I have ever believed—that this is in God’s plan for me.

Why?  What in the world could I possibly be thinking?  Let me tell you what I am thinking.  I’m not thinking.

That’s right.  I’m not thinking.

I’m trusting.

I’m believing.

I’m listening.

I’m obeying.

I’m going.

When I first heard about the World Race a few months ago I couldn’t get it off my mind.  I was taken aback completely and I spent hours researching what it was all about and pouring through blogs written by racers.  It’s nothing I ever thought I’d do and I didn’t go looking for it.  It took me by surprise and within a few short weeks I knew I was going.  After some serious prayer I made the decision to apply, with the knowledge that if I was accepted, I knew I would go.  It seems crazy and impulsive but in reality, I have never felt more secure in a decision in my entire life.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m scared of this.  A lot of things about this whole thing make me incredibly nervous and insecure.  But the bottom line is that I am certain this is something the Lord wants for me.  Right now.  And if that’s true, then my fear is not important.  It can’t drive my thoughts because God is bigger than that.  He is bigger than all the reasons I shouldn’t do this.  He is bigger than all the things I am scared of.  If this is what He is calling me to, then the only thing that really matters in that I obey and go.  So that’s what I’m doing, because I am learning that He really does know best.  He really does know how to protect me.  He really does know what I need.  He really does love me.  And He really really is all that matters.

So it’s crazy, but it would be crazy not to go.  It’s unexpected, but God’s plan is rarely predictable.  It’s scary, but if God is on my side, then what is there to fear?  It’s what I am being called to right now, and that’s all that matters. 

I don’t know what God will do in this, but he does.  I don’t know what my life will look like when I get back, but He does.  I don’t know what I’ll have to endure, but He does.  What more do I need really?

Here’s where you come in.  What I really need is prayer.  I need you to go before the Lord for me, if you feel so compelled, and ask Him to lead me.  Ask Him to protect me, guide me, grow me, use me, change me, help me, comfort me, and fight for me.  I have no chance of getting through this without being completely filled and surrounded by the Spirit, so I am asking you to help me in that.  Pray for my trip, my travel, my work, my team, and the people I will encounter.  Pray that every person I meet will leave me having experienced more of who Christ is because of how He is going to use me in their lives.  Pray that I can have the endurance to serve selflessly for almost a year.  Pray that I constantly see myself as completely His, and completely loved, that I might be able to pour out to those around me.

From now on, I’ll also be using a different blog through the World Race website.  I’ll still post here, but probably not as often.  For those of you interested, here’s where you can find me:

http://pattyreed.theworldrace.org/

Thanks for being in my life, friends.  Thanks for being a part of bringing me to this place in my life.

Moving On and Cleaning Up

I have two unpacked bags sitting in the middle of my floor.  They have been there for three weeks.  You know when you move and you try to pack strategically but you end up with a few boxes of just useless old papers and letters and potentially important things you aren’t sure if you still need?  That’s the kind of stuff in these bags.  I absolutely, without a doubt, more than I could possibly express, HATE unpacking these bags.  So there they sit, full of old things I don’t need, for weeks.  And weeks and weeks.  (Fun fact, when I was in college I had a bag of stuff like this that followed me all four years.  I took it to every new dorm room with the intention of going through it and never did.  For four years.  Can we say ridiculous?  Because that is totally absurd.)

Here’s the part that gets me though, I don’t want to unpack them.  Yes, I kind of wish my room was less messy.  Yes, I could use the space they are taking up.  Yes, I might find some good stuff in there.  But I also might find some stuff I don’t want to deal with right now.  And my room will feel different when they are gone.

We’ve all got bags like this, it’s called the past.  Just like these bags, there is so much stuff I just don’t want to deal with.  So I let it sit there in the back of my mind, taking up valuable space.  Since it’s been there for so long, I’ve gotten so comfortable with all the baggage that I don’t really want it to change because life might feel so different without the mess.  I might be different having dealt with all of it, and change scares me.  Eventually though, those bags have got to go.  And so does my grasp on things that are in the past.

So I think I’ll finally unpack those bags and see what comes of it.  And I think maybe, if I can, I’ll just start letting go of the things that take up space in my brain.  I’ll just let all of the old stuff be behind me where it’s supposed to be.  I think I’ll start accepting things I can’t change, and continue to pray for that very change to really happen.  I’ll solemnly wave goodbye to the things I don’t want to let go of (but need to) and leap into what’s happening right here, right now.

Father, I’ll be here where you have me, instead of all the places you had me.  Give me the heart to handle what’s real in the present, while remembering the ways you’ve changed me in my past.

The prayer I don't really want to pray

I am about to do something that's going to make you type-A people a little crazy.  I am posting this post, but it is chronologically out of order with the last post.  And I'm posting both at the same time.  Intentionally out of order.  I know, I know.  But I promise it will be ok.  What I am about to tell you is stuff that came before all that I wrote about in my last post.  So, my last post is a lot of stuff the Lord has done in me since all of this went through my head, but I think it is significant that you see that these are the things I was thinking approximately a week before I wrote the last post.  It's surprisingly relevant, and it's always cool to see how God is working and answering prayer and changing me in the very ways I am asking Him to.  So here is some stuff I was thinking and praying about before the Lord really hit me with all that strength and confidence you just read about.  And if you are really that stressed out about the order, just read them backwards.

A week or so ago, I came across this prayer in a devotional book I use occasionally.  Before reading what I have to say, however, I want you to read this prayer on your own, because it actually is pretty great.  Then, once you have your own thoughts, I can tell you what I thought of it when I read it for the first time.

“O Persistent God,

deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.

Pressure me that I may grow more human,

not through the lessening of my struggles,

but through the expansion of them…

Deepen my hurt

until I learn to share it and myself openly,

and my needs honestly.

Sharpen my fears until I name them

and release the power I have locked in them

and they in me.

Accentuate my confusion

until I shed those grandiose expectations

that divert me from the small, glad gifts

of the now and the here and the me.

Expose my shame where it shivers,

crouched behind the curtains of propriety,

until I can laugh at last

through my common frailties and failures,

laugh my way toward becoming whole.”

[Guerillas of grace, by Ted Loder]

Do you have your own thoughts?  Good.  Because I don't want to taint it for you with mine.  That said, this is what I thought the first time I read it:

Heck.  Freaking.  No.

Now, my entire reaction wasn't like that.  I was tracking with it for the first line or so...you can't really come up with any issues to "O persistent God".  So far, so good.  Then I read the next line, and the next, and the next.  As I am reading and praying through it, I started thinking, "Never mind, God, this sounds kind of terrible, I do not want to pray this at all, forget everything I just said please."  I mean seriously, I do not want to be pressured, deepen my hurt, sharpen my fears, accentuate my confusion, or expose even the tiniest little tidbit of my shame.  No thank you.  I'm good without that.

Then the Spirit started to convict me.

He does that sometimes.

It gets a little annoying.

So I started thinking, what sort of relationship is only made up of good, happy, fluffy, pretty things?  Am I taking only the good parts of what it means to be a Christian and leaving behind everything that would bring me depth?  Just because I'm scared of getting all raw and gritty?  Just because I am scared of being real?  Do I really have that little trust in my God that I would trade depth for a pseudo-happy-go-lucky-everything-is-fine-all-the-time type of faith.  Because that's not really faith at all.  That's not what my God is all about.  And that certainly is not what I want.

But I'm still human.  And I don't want to be broken like that either.  So I realized I need God to deepen my faith and alleviate my fear, that I might pray that prayer with confidence and boldness, knowing that whatever might happen, the ways in which I will be changed and the ways in which I will see God more fully are worth more than simply being comfortable.  I don't want to be comfortable, I want to be radical.  But I still want to be comfortable.  So I need some faith.  Because He is more important and I want all of Him, not just the fluffy stuff.  Because that's what love is, and that's how He loves me everyday.

For the record, this is not what I want my relationship with Jesus to be like (however this guy is awesome and this is what I thought of almost immediately when I typed the word "fluffy" up there):