I dare you, come at me.

Question.

What makes you stronger?

Is it hard work?

Is it perseverance?

Is it being challenged?

Is it a good attitude?

Is it the ability to compartmentalize?

Is it patience and being worry free?

Is it bench pressing 5 trillion pounds?

What if I told you that my weakness is what makes me stronger?  That the weaker I get, the stronger I get?

You might call me crazy.  I mean, by the very definition, that makes no sense at all.  They are opposites, weakness and strength, you simply can't be both.  A year ago, I might have agreed with you. But now, after a year full of experiences (a year full of rather hard experiences), I'd have to challenge you.  Sometimes, my dear friends, things simply don't make sense.  And it's taken me a long time, but I have finally learned that that's ok, things don't always have to be logical.  So let me share with you the story of how I got here.

Recently, I've been praying a lot of prayers.  Praying doesn't seem to do it justice.  It seems to quiet and passive a term, though I know it shouldn't.  No, what I've been doing is pleading.  I've been begging God for His patience, perseverance, and grace.  I've been begging Him to change me, save me, and bring me closer to Him.  I've been begging Him to root me in Him deeper and deeper and deeper.

You see, I've been so deeply aware of my sinfulness that I am becoming more and more aware of how much of a miracle it is that I even know Him at all.  I've been so aware if my sin and so desperate to see change, but so assured that I have no control over any of it.  I can't fix myself.  I can't save myself.  I can't discipline myself into perfection.  This sort of realization can leave a person feeling helpless and hopeless.  This can leave a person scared.

So I'll be honest, friends, which you all know is my most favorite thing to do (if you didn't hear the sarcasm there, you don't know me well enough), and I'll tell you I've been scared. Yep, you heard me. Scared.

Scared that at any moment I could break.

Scared that at any moment I could just slip through the cracks and lose everything.

Scared that at any moment I could make one wrong choice and go into a tailspin.

Scared that I simply can't handle any more struggle.

Scared that at any moment I might just choose to give up fighting the good fight and opt out for the easy road.

But then there's grace.

And it changes everything.

Because I've been pleading.  Pleading for God to make me solid.  Pleading for Him to root me, deep and unmovable, in Him, that I might stand firm.  Pleading for Him not to give up on me.  Pleading for Him to not let me go.

And it occurs to me, He's never not been doing all of those things I have been asking for.  I am seeing that every struggle, every pain, every hit is only rooting me deeper and stronger in Him.  Every time I break, I become more solid, more sure, more His.

It's funny, now that I think about it, that the very things the enemy intends for evil, God redeems.  All the ways he tries to break me only make me stronger in the Lord.  The ways he tried to pull me away only push me closer to my God.

It makes me feel a little sneaky, like I've been let in on some big cosmic secret.

My God is a God of redemption.  My struggles are not meaningless.  He does not merely help me get through them and make me feel better.  No, He uses them.  He redeems them for good.  My struggles are crucial blocks in what He's building me to be, and I need Him to keep building me.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  [Romans 8:38-39]

I feel like I've reached a point of confidence in my faith, and in God, that I've never had before.  (And let's be serious, the word "confidence", is not a word commonly used when talking about me, so this is kind of huge). Nothing can take me from Him.  What's His is His.  He plays for keeps.  The fact that I am His will never change.  Someone told me once that I should never use the word never, because it was too strong a word and I had to be really really certain I meant it.  (If I recall, I think The Biebs also mentioned something about never saying never...).  So let me say it again so you get just how serious I am about this.

The fact the I am His will NEVER change.  Period.  End of discussion.

So, come at me.  Go ahead, just try to break me.  I dare you.  Because it only makes me stronger and I am beginning to welcome anything that God can use to let me know Him more.  Because I am His.

Also, this is one of my most favorite songs in the world.  And it applies here quite nicely.

“So tell me why I should run for cover

At the sound of the coming thunder

All I hear is the cry of my lover

So take your shot

I won't turn back”

-“Won’t Turn Back” by NeedToBreathe